Why Indiana Jones was a Terrible Hero, Part One

I might catch a ton of flak for this one, but oh well.


First of all, I don't mean that the first three movies weren't fun and entertaining, or that Indy isn't a bad-ass.  That's not the point at all.  What I mean, however, is that Indiana Jones only made things worse in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade.  That's right, Indiana Jones nearly handed over the free world to the Nazis on a silver platter, and really the only thing that kept them from using divine artifacts was direct divine intervention.  God effectively covered Indy's ass, and let's be honest, if He is going to smite the living hell out of those who would abuse Jewish and Christian relics, I don't think that Indy needed to get involved.


Let's take a look at the Raiders of the Lost Ark.   First, the opening reveals that Indiana Jones is, basically, a thief who steals priceless artifacts from under the noses of people who actively protect them for money.  So we're pretty shaky on his moral grounding here, and movies, like all stories told to children or young adults (the groups that this movie was horrifyingly aimed at, considering later actions) do serve to send moral lessons.  They convey the idea of what is good and right.  We know who to root for, and how to feel about them.  Indy is the hero, and he's a big damn hero.  Who steals from natives. 




Then, he gets a commission from the US government to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant because the Nazis, who in 1936 aren't really on the threat radar of anyone to this level, were trying to get it.  So first, he goes to an old flame in the ass-end of the world.  This "old flame" is a much younger woman who he hasn't seen in some time.  As in "she was certainly under-age when he boinked her" some time ago.  And, given the looks of the female students in his classes (which he apparently can just randomly abandon at whim, with no negative consequence whatsoever, another great example of morality), he may have, um, plundered their tombs as well.  You know, young, impressionable, girls smitten with a rugged adventurer.  And he's their teacher.  Or father's friend/colleague.  This dude's MO is pretty shady, let's be honest.  And, the first thing that his old flame reminds him of?  That he just walked out on her after he got what he wanted and decided to move on to something else.  Just like his classes!  Thus far, we have thief, ephobophile, and highly unreliable character.


That's a weird point in the internal consistency--this guy bails pretty quickly on commitments.  Why did the US government hire him?  He's supposed to be good, but his record is pretty much losing to Belloq.  Why didn't they hire Belloq?  Oh, the Nazis did already.  So they hired the guy that gets everything he finds stolen by Belloq.  Swell move there, OSS.


So, he goes to her, gets her to give him the only thing he really wanted (the amulet, not her post-pubescent womanhood) on the condition that she tags along.  In the process, Belloq basically follows him to this artifact to take it from him.  Then he goes and finds out that Belloq somehow has a copy of the amulet, and is digging in the wrong spot.  In other words, if he left right then it would be years and years before Belloq even figured out that he was digging in the wrong spot, if the Nazis even bothered to fund it that long.  Already the officers in charge were complaining about how long it was taking and the lack of results.  Do you think that they'd keep funding that dig after a few months more of bupkiss from the supposedly accurate amulet?  Of course not, they'd have assumed they had a bad lead, or whatever.  So if he did nothing at this point, the Nazis never would have had the Ark.


But he goes and digs up the Ark.  Like 100 meters from a Nazi encampment.  If the goal is to keep them from getting this thing, maybe that's not a great idea.  But I suppose his paycheck is pretty important too.  Then, in the twist no one could possibly have foreseen except everyone but Indy and Sallah, Belloq steals the Ark from him right after he gets it.  Does this guy not learn from his mistakes, or what?


So now, he has to get it back.  And he does, by killing a bunch of German soldiers.  And, since 9 years later, everyone finds out that these guys were going to start killing Jews in a bit, he is sort of vindicated by history.  But, basically, he kills a bunch of security guards for doing their jobs. 


Then, he puts the Ark on a ship.  And, rather than deep-sixing the Ark so that way the Nazis can never, never, never get it, ever, he just keeps it on board.  And then, the Nazis take it from him.  Again.  So, he stows away on a submarine, somehow, for a few days or weeks.  How he manages this, I will never know, since those things have no unused space whatsoever, but I guess he's just good at the first part of stealing part of being a thief.


Then, he's about to blow up the Ark.  And he refrains.  Not because the Nazis will kill Marion, not because his shot will certainly do it anyhow, not because destroying God's Covenant might piss him off, but because he can't destroy history.  Even though he doesn't want the Nazis to use it to smite the whole world. 


But, in the end, it doesn't matter.  The Nazis open it, and all die horribly.  And, given that this movie is sort of targeted at kids and young adults, this is pretty disturbing.  But this does render his every action moot.  If he had stayed at the University, banging his students, nothing would have changed.  The Nazis either never would have found the Ark, thus not being a threat, or would have brought it to Hitler and his senior staff, and opened it in front of him in 1936.  This would have been awesome for the Jews, because basically, the Nazi party would have imploded, since everyone who was capable and in a leadership position would have been destroyed.  That's a good thing.  Indiana Jones succeeded at preventing God from smiting Hitler in 1936.